:!: Beware :!: Just noticed that a certain 'Captain Chaos’ has recently registered on this forum. Steer clear of this man. Hailing from the Dudley/Tipton area of the West Midlands, he will try and teach you a strange foreign language called Wolverhamptoneeze, a weird ear-numbing dialect understood by man nor beast - although there are plenty of the latter where he lives! Just the other day, when extolling the virtues of his particular patois, he came out with the following drivel:-
There ai't many blokes moore Black Country than me. My Grandad was on the chain and anchor forging gangs that med the anchors and chairn fu the Titanic, up at Noah Hingley's. I was born and bred in Quorry Bonk, and that's the REAL centre of the Black Country.
There's a tribal homeliness about our accent. As my mother used ter say when ah wus a kid, and we used ter swim in the cut up Netherton, "Om warnin' thae, if yo cum bak drowned, ah'll 'arf kill thae!"
See what I mean – and there is worse! Why do you think he calls himself Captain Chaos?
ANSWER:
1. He can’t hold his drink – three Babycham’s and he is anybody’s.
2. How can I put this without sounding extremely homophobic? Let’s just say “he’s the only gay in the village”. If you know what’s good for you, NEVER offer this man a fourth Babycham, if he’s standing behind you and your wallet falls on the floor NEVER bend down to pick it up, and NEVER EVER wink at a girl behind him just in case he suddenly turns his head and looks your way!
3. He can’t sing to save his life and when paralytic on his fifth champagne perry he come out with this oddball chant about “If yo ai’t a W a n d e r r r r r r e r s fan yo just ay a black country mon”.
4. He drives a Vauxhall Vectra!
5. Couldn't think of another example worse than driving a Vauxhall Vectra!!!
Mmmmmmm! Trouble is, those taking part in Landy Rally are quite likely to meet up with the Captain in Calais. Never fear good people, rest assured that I promise to make sure he keeps taking the tablets (even increase the dose) and will endeavour to have his day release papers revoked ASAP! Only then will I decide to inflict his anarchic West Midlands ways on you come September.