If Tommy Cooper were alive today......

If Tommy Cooper were alive today......

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign
it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They
gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the
packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember
his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't
put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
Just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of
voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin
opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very
thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you
having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not
promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a
skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
"Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the
bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're
closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told
me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned
me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He
then
made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't
Swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced
on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with
shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
"Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how
to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't
make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I here pedigree chum are going bust so they've called in the retrievers

Silly, but read in a Tommy Cooper accent, they are brill. Exactly how he got away with such rubbish jokes for so many years - and we loved him for it. It's what makes a great comedian.

To quote Frank Carson ... "It's the way I tell 'em"