Captain Chaos alert!

:!: Beware :!: Just noticed that a certain 'Captain Chaos’ has recently registered on this forum. Steer clear of this man. Hailing from the Dudley/Tipton area of the West Midlands, he will try and teach you a strange foreign language called Wolverhamptoneeze, a weird ear-numbing dialect understood by man nor beast - although there are plenty of the latter where he lives! Just the other day, when extolling the virtues of his particular patois, he came out with the following drivel:-

There ai't many blokes moore Black Country than me. My Grandad was on the chain and anchor forging gangs that med the anchors and chairn fu the Titanic, up at Noah Hingley's. I was born and bred in Quorry Bonk, and that's the REAL centre of the Black Country.

There's a tribal homeliness about our accent. As my mother used ter say when ah wus a kid, and we used ter swim in the cut up Netherton, "Om warnin' thae, if yo cum bak drowned, ah'll 'arf kill thae!"

See what I mean – and there is worse! Why do you think he calls himself Captain Chaos?

ANSWER:

1. He can’t hold his drink – three Babycham’s and he is anybody’s.
2. How can I put this without sounding extremely homophobic? Let’s just say “he’s the only gay in the village”. If you know what’s good for you, NEVER offer this man a fourth Babycham, if he’s standing behind you and your wallet falls on the floor NEVER bend down to pick it up, and NEVER EVER wink at a girl behind him just in case he suddenly turns his head and looks your way!
3. He can’t sing to save his life and when paralytic on his fifth champagne perry he come out with this oddball chant about “If yo ai’t a W a n d e r r r r r r e r s fan yo just ay a black country mon”.
4. He drives a Vauxhall Vectra!
5. Couldn't think of another example worse than driving a Vauxhall Vectra!!!

Mmmmmmm! Trouble is, those taking part in Landy Rally are quite likely to meet up with the Captain in Calais. Never fear good people, rest assured that I promise to make sure he keeps taking the tablets (even increase the dose) and will endeavour to have his day release papers revoked ASAP! Only then will I decide to inflict his anarchic West Midlands ways on you come September.

Excuse me Mr Mcguigan,

I have a 1991 Lada Riva which has completed your half hearted attempt at a rally in 2006, could I possibly join your 4X4 band just to show you how it's done?
My only prob last year was the vodka swilling light weight in the back who couldn't navigate for sh1t after visiting Andorra at £1.50 a litre, the only other problem was that he supported MILLWALL!!!

WHO!!!!!!

GOOD LUCK MR MAGOO SEE YOU IN CALAIS!!!

Darn, despite my best efforts you still slipped under the net! How are you mate ... well I trust? Despite the abuse (see you are as mad as ever), it’s good to hear from you.

It will also be good to see you in Calais and yes, you can even bring the Lada. However, unless you have had a four-wheel-drive system fitted to the Riva since I last saw it, you'd struggle somewhat to follow us in the Alps! An off-road day is planned at Val d’Isére so unless you have around 250 mm of ground clearance (the Lada is approx. 100 mm), you certainly won’t be following us!

Seriously though, do I gather you are going on a charity ‘banger rally’ to Madrid again this year, so that is why you will be in Calais on our Land Rally final day?

Yes Tom, we will be taking the Lada on it's 2nd "Scally Rally" event in September, for anyone who's not sure it's a charity drive approx. 2000 miles in 4 days in a car worth £100, we completed it last year then drove back to blighty in it, unlike some of the others who scrapped their cars in Madrid and "easy jetted" it home.

The route is different to last years as we took in Val d'Isere then, (met a few 4x4 boys up there then actually while having lunch) this time we do Switzerland and end up in Rimmini (a lot more hairpins, oh sh1t!).
But we finish on the Tuesday so plan to get back to Calais for Friday night, for your do!

Last year on the return trip we ended up soaking wet in a place called Cafe de Paris in the centre of Calais, the owner there is into 4x4 in a big way, and what an awesome night we had there, good beer, good food and a real good Craic!!

The "Scally 2007" is well over subscribed this year and I hear your entries are filling fast, so well done mate, see you in Calais, listen out for the "dixie horn" with the last note missing(Ebay purchase!)