Joke

My wife was standing looking in the bedroom mirror while i was laying on the bed. She said my bum is fat, Mt celulite is showing and i have crows feet on my eyes. she said to me why dont you pay me a compliment? I replied well your eyesight is f*****ing excellent.

A man walks into a bar and sees a well-decorated military officer sitting at the bar. He also notices that the man has a tiny head about the size of an orange. So he walks up to the officer and says "That really is an impressive uniform, but I have to ask. What happened to your head?"

The officer replies, "Well, about five years ago I was in a shipwreck and washed up to an island. When I awoke I heard cries for help, so I went to investigate. I found a mermaid trapped under a rock. So I lifted the rock to free her, and she told me that she would grant me three wishes for my heroic deed. I wished that I could be sent back home, and she replied that she would grant that wish when the other two were made. I wished for tons of money, so she filled the island with cash, gold, and jewels as far as the eye could see.

Next, I commented that I hadn't had sex for a while, and if she could do anything about it?

She said 'Well, I have this fin in the way, I can't really help you with that.'

So I said 'How about a little head?' …

A blond walks into a library and asks; CAN I HAVE A CHEESEBURGER PLEASE!



The librarian replied; shoosh, this is a library!



The blond whispered; can i have a cheeseburger please!

A dyslexic goes skiing, He gets lost on the piste he sees this guy and says to him excuse me can you tell me ski hire shop is? the guy says sorry i am a tobboganist. The dyslexic replies in that case i will have 20 fags and a copy of the sun.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

“I ordered a dozen oranges, but you only sent me ten.”
“Part of the service, madam. Two were bad, so we saved you the trouble of throwing them away.”

Lottery: A tax on fools.

Most of us know how to say nothing – few of us know when.

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

We can’t remember ever getting good news out of an envelope with a window in it.

You may not be too wise, but if you keep your mouth shut you can fool a lot of people.

When the newspaper headline said, “Half of the City Council are Crooks,” the City Council demanded a retraction. The next day the headline said,
“Half of the City Council are not Crooks.”

Why do people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t need in order to impress people they don’t like?

When a politician says “Consumer outlook better,” you should read it backwards.

The secret of financial success is to spend what you have left after saving, instead of saving what is left after spending.

When you see a man with his desk piled high with papers, you aren’t sure whether he is busy or confused.

“Those who have hobbies rarely go crazy,” asserts a psychiatrist. Yeah, but what about those who live with those who have hobbies?

Tactful person: One who comes to your house and makes you feel at home.

Social Tact: Making your guests feel at home even though you wish they were.

If you help someone in trouble, he will remember you – the next time he is in trouble.

The more arguments you win, the fewer friends you’ll have.

An optimist can always see the bright side of the other person’s misfortune.

For all Employees Who Work With Rude Customers.

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney
some weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had
been withdrawn from service. A
single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced
travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this
flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able To work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so That the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public Address
microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your Attention
please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS? If Anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
Glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll
Have to fly QANTAS for that service."